Mga Balak ni Nhejzheen

 

Following is the English translation of what I shared with you here.

This is Nhejzheen. There’s something important I need to share with you. It’s a very private matter. I’ve been wanting to do this for days. I’ve thought it over. I finally reached an irreversible finality. I made this decision myself. If you’re mad at somebody for revealing the truth, direct your anger at me and no one else. I’m doing this because I truly and deeply love myself, and also, I genuinely love all of you from the bottom of my heart. One should never tolerate bad behavior, I’m telling you. Here’s the thing. I hated my grandfather Paulo Padilla Fernandez for sexually assaulting and impregnating my Auntie Evangeline, his own daughter. I don’t even know what has happened to her or where she is right now. Yes, it’s both an embarrassment and a great scandal for the Fernandez family. No one ever talks about it. No one brings it up. It’s been buried. No one did anything. Even my father didn’t do anything for his own sister which upset me greatly and made me so very disappointed with him. It probably explains why he died with so much suffering. He was living a toxic life mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. His life was a living hell. He had leukemia, circulatory issues, inflamed glands, emphysema, asthma, high and low blood pressures – all sorts of things. Today is the day. This generational curse will end today. I don’t want any of you, your children and children of your children to experience what I have experienced. Yes, I had forgiven that little boy who molested me, but I could not forget what he did to me. It’s still in me. It affected me emotionally and mentally. And there may be some of us who have experienced the same thing but kept them to themselves to avoid family chaos. It is my hope that my paternal great grandmother, Auntie Evangeline and I are the only individuals who have been sexually assaulted in the Fernandez side of my family. I just hope so. I also pray that there are none in my Mejos side of the family. Thankfully, I have never heard anything. Any of you, just don’t let me know about any sexual assaults because they will be known. I'm telling you!

My Auntie Evangeline was raped by my grandfather, and I was molested by a family friend’s son. I was about his age. It was forgivable for me because of his young age. He was about 7 or 8 years old and was unaware of his actions. But the fact that I was molested affected me very deeply. I’m telling you… I like to think, though I’m not God or The Universe, that my grandfather continues to suffer in hell if hell truly exists, which I doubt. If any of you who is mad at me for this, damn you! No, let me change that. Fuck you! Unfriend me! Forget that you have me as your friend or relative. I don’t want to see you here either. I cried and cried when I learned about this whole thing, and I carried it with me to this day. I hope this memory will finally leave me as time passes. These sexual assaults are occurring because we continue to keep them secret. We don’t report them to police authorities.

I’m one of the few who knew about what happened between my grandfather and my Auntie Evangeline. I was told not to tell anyone. I have been troubled to this day thinking about it. I have wept so many times. I felt bad for my Auntie Evangeline and her mentally retarded son – Popoy who passed away about 10 years ago. Popoy was my uncle and my first cousin at the same time. It is my great hope that my Auntie Evangeline has found peace within herself. She and her son have suffered grievously. My Auntie could have had a brighter future if this crime didn’t happen to her. She’s a smart person and a beautiful soul. I have this hate within me, towards my grandfather, that I cannot shake off. Thankfully, he’s dead. He should have been dead early on from the moment he was born. I think the reason I’m so greatly affected because of my past history, and I was probably consummated at the time this scandal occurred. My father may have been troubled by it immensely. He never mentioned anything about it to anyone including his wife, my mother. His guilt may have caused his resentment and affected his genetic makeup. And then there I was! I was born tainted with my grandfather and Auntie Evangeline’s ugly past. This recollection started just recently. I tried to understand why I’m so greatly affected by what happened. I cannot seem to get rid of it mentally and emotionally. It’s been bugging me these past few days – just recently. My grandfather was an alcoholic piece of shit. He was part Spanish. I believe his mother’s mother was raped by a Spaniard during Spanish colonization. He was almost always drunk every time he assaulted my Auntie Evangeline. Pardon me of some of the language I use here. I cannot help myself. I am so very mad and so emotional right now while writing this. It is your right to know about this whole thing and what truly happened. I hope through this revelation I will stop or prevent more of these sexual assaults that seem to continue to occur. Do not ignore if you suspect something. Take action! As the saying goes, “Don’t let these bastards get away with murder.” Otherwise, they will continue to harm anyone in their secret paths.

Like what I’ve mentioned before, I am not here to be liked or admired. I am here to change the way we think and alter the way our lives are going towards a better and brighter future. Whether you like me or hate me, I do not care. Oh yeah, I don’t give a shit what you think of me. I want to help heal ourselves to change the world, our world, your world and my world. I want you, me, all of us to have fulfilling lives. I am sure there are many of us who are damaged, broken or whatever you call it, not just from sexual abuse but also other forms of abuse. It’s not too late to be completely freed from the shackles of the past. Yes, I have tasted great freedom until this whole thing came knocking at my door. Holy shit! I thought I was completely done healing from everything. I just have to get this out of myself. Let this be for cessation and prevention. I somehow forgot about my grandfather’s misdeed that has been haunting me for so long. I now say I have finally forgiven him. Inner healing is my goal. To achieve emotional fulfillment in life, I have to break the cycle of nightmares so that they don’t get passed on from generation to generation. The byproduct of our upbringing, past hurts, past traumas, generational curses, et cetera — I want them to cease to exist. Once we have forgiven those people who have wronged us, great abundance will be achieved. I want to be completely healed. That is my ultimate goal. I hope you’ll find yours.

I am a principled woman. I am the type of person who never sides with people who are proven at fault even if they are my own relatives. I also believe that if you have committed a crime, you should suffer the consequences. Committed a crime? Confess, surrender and you should be in jail. What’s the swearing? I rarely swear, but I only do it here. I do it to put emphasis on expressing my true emotions. You don’t like it? Leave!

May all of you find love, light and great success!

FYI: I don’t do vodoo stuff. That is only done by people who are not brave enough to face reality. Even witchcraft and all that shit, I don’t do that. This is how far it goes. I just want to get this off my chest and out of my system for good. Please refrain from sending messages to me regarding this. To be clear, do not send me texts to my Messenger about this topic just to confront me. Never! You don’t like me now, and the more you won’t like me later.

Here’s my childhood sexual molestation story: Mga Balak ni Nhejzheen: Pagpanglugos nga Ako’ng Nahiaguman sa Bata Pa / My Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience (English Translation Below)